Families Change Teen Guide to Separation & Divorce

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Home » Healthy and Abusive Relationships

In a healthy relationship, the partners:

  • Listen to each other.
  • Consider each other's thoughts and feelings.
  • Respect, trust, and support each other.
  • Recognize each other's strengths and achievements.
  • Respect each other's culture.
  • Decide together if and when to have sex.
  • Feel safe with each other, both alone and with others.
  • Enjoy spending time with each other, both alone and with others.
  • Encourage each other to spend time with friends and family when they want to.

In an abusive relationship, one person might:

  • Ignore the other person's feelings and wishes.
  • Ignore or pretend not to hear the other person.
  • Call the other person names.
  • Put the other person down about the way he or she dresses, talks, walks, dances and so on.
  • Get jealous when the other person is around guys or girls.
  • Be suspicious about the other person's activities all the time.
  • Control the other person with threats.
  • Control how much time the other person spends with friends and family.
  • Embarrass or tease the other person in a mean way.
  • Play mean tricks on the other person.
  • Tell the other person's secrets.
  • Act more friendly when alone with the other person than when his or her friends are around.
  • Sulk when the other person doesn't do what he or she wants.
  • Threaten suicide.
  • Encourage or pressure the other person to do things that make him or her feel uncomfortable.
  • Show anger and use threats and/or violence to get his or her own way.
  • Refuse to accept the other person's limits about sexual activity.
  • Push the other person around, or hit him or her.
  • Take or destroy the other person's possessions.
  • Hurt or threaten to hurt the other person's pet.

Do you recognize yourself as doing any of these things to another person, or having any of them done to you? If so, you may be in an abusive relationship.

Whether you are the person abusing another or the person being abused, get help.

Talk to a school counsellor, family doctor or another adult you trust. Ask him or her to help you find a counsellor or community program that can help.

Q & A

Q:
Can I do anything to get my parents back together?
A:

Most parents split up only after trying very hard to save their relationship. Some teens hope and believe that if they try to be on their very best behaviour, their parents will get back together.

However, this plan isn't likely to work, since their parents' decision to split up had nothing to do with them. Their decision to separate or divorce is usually final.

Q:
I'm feeling really upset and confused about my parents splitting up. Is this normal?
A:

It's natural — and entirely normal — to experience some intense emotions. You will feel better over time. There are lots of ways to help yourself feel better, and people who can help you if you need it.

Q:
My parents are splitting up. Why?
A:

There are many reasons why parents decide to split up. And with each couple, there might be one main reason, or a whole pile of reasons.

Parents usually try very hard to solve their problems before they take action. If you're not sure what your parents' reasons are for splitting up, you can always ask.

Q:
I have so many questions. How much can I ask my parents?
A:

If there are things you need to know, ask. You have a right to ask questions about what is going to happen and why.

Q:
Will I be able to spend time with both parents?
A:

In the vast majority of cases, children get to spend time with both parents. How much time you spend with each parent, and exactly how that will work, depends on your custody and access arrangements.